The Limburger Awards

Every year, there's a movie that's so bad that you start to lose all faith in humankind. It's a special kind of picture--one whose pure awfulness just emanates from the screen, like a slice of Limburger kept in a storage closet for a couple of years. That's why here at TM, we have the Limburger awards. They usually fall in three different categories: movies that shouldn't have been made, movies that could've been great but sucked, and movies that sucked from the very premise. 2007, I really hope that you don't disappoint, but in my heart of hearts, I know that 2007's Limburger is just around the corner. In the meantime, here are a few past winners...

The Black Dahlia (2006)

Movies like The Black Dahlia are the worst kind of disappointments. Seeing that it's based on a novel by estimable James Ellroy (L.A. Confidential) and has some good actors (Aaron Eckhart, Scarlett Johansson), it should be decent, right? Oops. No. A guy named Brian De Palma directed it, and they decided to cast half-chipmunk, half-heartthrob Josh Hartnett in the lead role, who spends most of the movie looking like he really needs a nap. The "romance" within leaves the viewer feeling as cold as if Joan Rivers looked you directly in the eye, and a potentially interesting story gets bogged down with ambiguity, overacting, and just plain foolishness.

Elizabethtown (2005)

After watching this one, I was tempted to issue a warrant for Orlando Bloom's arrest. He may feel right at home in the Pirates of The Carribean and Lord of The Rings movies, but in terms of actually acting? This putz couldn't act if Kirsten Dunst's 2nd assistant's life depended on it! Although I have a special place in my heart for Almost Famous, Singles, and Say Anything, you also have to remember that Cameron Crowe was the guy responsible for the Tom Cruise scheißabbildung Vanilla Sky. Elizabethtown is apparently a loving tribute to Crowe's Kentucky-based family, but if I were related to Crowe, I'd be tempted to attack him with a frozen turd dagger. The soundtrack is overwhelming and unnecessary--I like Tom Petty and everything, but do we really need 40 of his songs in one movie?

Garden State (2004)

"You didn't like Garden State?" That's usually the reply I get when discussing this much-beloved film, along with another 2004 favorite, Napoleon Dynamite. Zach Braff's painful, painful movie is like a 90 minute homage to himself. "Oh, aren't I so edgy, so indie, so hip and so cool?" Perhaps the most uncomfortable scene is when Natalie Portman is listening to her headphones and, when asked what she's listening to, replies "The Shins." Now, The Shins really aren't terrible, but that sort of obvious advertising is just one of many examples of Braff's moronic version of filmmaking. There's that old saying that shit rolls downhill, and Braff apparently is on a mission to gather as much of it as he can before reaching the bottom. Put this one in a time capsule and see if you don't feel guilty in about 20 years....

In The Cut (2003)

This was supposed to be the movie where Meg Ryan finally broke out and gave an arresting performance in a daring role. Sadly, no one told Ms. Ryan that this was quite possibly the last movie she should've tried to do that in. Maybe she's a glutton for punishment, or maybe no one gives two hoots for the former Queen of Cute anymore. A competent director, Jane Campion, tells a story that's so convoluted and boring that it tests your patience by the 15-minute mark. In The Cut is excruciating because, besides all of the killing and the screwing, there really isn't much left. Hey, I likes me a cocktail of sex and violence just as much as the next guy, but I need something else. Y'know, like, a story?